The Valar Must Be Crazy: The Fellowship
by Archimedes-Factotum
Summary: Prequel to the muchloved 'The Valar Must Be Crazy', this one follows the LotR timeline from the Prologue through Amon Hen, covering all the silliness of the 9 Walkers and their Quest.


Hello and Welcome to the Long-Awaited, Delightful Prologue to Archimedes-Factotum's much-loved story, The Valar Must Be Crazy. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** This chapter contains direct transcripts from the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring 2001 film. I do not own the script and make no pretense to such rights or ownership. I am not doing this for monetary profit, just for laughs.

Chapter One: Le Prologue

"_I amar prestar aen."_

"The world is changed."

"_Han mathon ne nen."_

"The water felt odd when I went skinny-dipping the other day."

"_Han mathon ne chae."_

"I've got dirt stuck between my toes…"

"_A han noston ned, 'wilith."_

"HOO boy I just got a whiff! Who farted?"

The lady Galadriel turned her head slowly. "HONEY! The ceiling fan is talking to me again!"

Celeborn looked up from his current occupation of raiding the refrigerator. "Be right with you!" He bounded through into the living room, armed with a packet of soy cheese drizzled with chocolate syrup and a liter Coke. "Don't worry, I'll quiet it. I'll give it The Prologue!"

He sat down on the living room rug and started his wacked-out presentation while attempting to swallow a giant mouthful of cheese.

"It began with a World News headline: 'The Forging of the Great Rings – Switzerland Turns the Tables on Cheesy Realty Salesmen'. You know, they only put in the sub-title because 'Switzerland' sounds funny. The 'Forging of the Great Rings' part is important. Three of them were given to the Elves, wisest and fairest of all beings."

"Oh yeah, are we not just, like, ROCKIN'!" Galadriel cut in.

Celeborn continued with an annoyed look on his stony face. "Seven to the Dwarf-lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls."

Galadriel interjected, "and a smelly, dirty lot they are, too!"

Celeborn turned slightly towards his wife before continuing. "And nine, nine rings were given to the race of Men, who –"

"Above all else, desire power," Galadriel took over. "Those idiots! I swear, the younger generation these days!"

Celeborn cut short her rant with a look. "But they were - all of them! – deceived, for another ring was made. In the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lobbyist Sauron forged in secret a master ring, to control all others. One by one, he stomped out the peoples of Middle Earth. But some of the idiot Men convinced we Elves to help them in battle, and so a great war was waged with the Dark Lobbyist."

Celeborn paused for a sip of his Coke. "Our side won, of course," he pointed out smugly. "But the great King of Men, Isildur, really did turn out to be an idiot, and so doomed the world. He kept Sauron's evil Ring of power. Bad idea! Even as he gloated over the great victory, he and his men were ambushed by the Dark Lobbyist's orcs.

_FLASHBACK_

"ISILDUR!" "Aaaaaghhhh!" "Grrrrrrrr!" Isildur thought quickly. "If only I could get into the water without being seen… ah-HA! My Evil Lobbyist's Ring! Not King yet, but still could be!"

But, even as he splashed into safety, the Ring took a dip on it's own, and it had Isildur out of the way. (The Ring had a nice swim before landing in the mucky silt on the bottom of the Anduin).

And there it stayed, until…

Galadriel cut in again. "It came to the creature Gollum, idiotic little wretch. He took the Ring where no one would find it, deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him. For five-hundred long, tedious, fishy years it poisoned his mind, until it got tired of him and abandoned him to sulk alone on his little rock in the middle of the lake.

"But something happened then the Ring did not intend. It was picked up, by the most unlikely person imaginable, sort of like a giant blancmange from the planet Skyron in the galaxy of Andromeda popping in to play a Scotsman at tennis."

Celeborn glared at his wife and restated. "It was picked up, by the most unlikely person imaginable: a hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire. The Ring was most relieved to have some of the dirt and slime removed from it's shiny goldness. The-"

"You know, despite the fact that Bilbo was lost, terrified and running from an entire goblin army, he still found time to figure out that the Ring was, in fact, a ring.

_FLASHBACK_

"What's this? A ring. Hehe!" Bilbo mused.

_END FLASHBACK_

"Funny how that thing has a way of making everyone state the obvious. In fact, this ring would, later, not only save Bilbo's life, but change him and the entirety of Middle Earth forever."

Galadriel always insisted on having the last word.

Author's Note: This is not the funniest chapter ever, but I think that's because it contains mostly transcript from the movie and not much action. I tried to make it as funny as I could. It will get funnier. I'm not entirely sure about the Elvish, but oh well. Also, the bit about the blancmanges and Scotsmen is from Monty Python's Flying Circus, I'm not positive about which episode so I won't put that here.

So, what do you think? Review and tell me, I'd be gratified! Oh, and many thanks to all those who have reviewed The Valar Must Be Crazy!

Archie


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